Wednesday, September 18, 2013

a letter to my possible future child

I don't know if I will ever become a mother to a human child and this is definitely not an announcement, but when I saw that Sarah was hosting a link-up to write a letter to your future child, I wanted to write one. I have to admit that Andrew and I are "those people" who are childless and tend to get a teensy bit judgey when we are out and see a child doing something that we swear we will never do. I know, it all changes when the kid is yours. But allow me this letter to make some proclamations in a mostly non-serious way and if I ever do have a human child, you can all go back to this post and tell me how wrong I was. Sound fair?

Imagine a baby that looks like these two kiddos combined. Also, I still adore this pic of Andrew and yes, I pretty much look the same now as I did when I was two.

Dear Traditionally-Named Baby M,

Hi. Welcome to our house. If we are lucky, you will come out of the womb mostly potty-trained and with a sense of humor matching that of your mom and dad. There will be no lullabies for you; no, you will be raised with a strict musical repertoire including but not limited to The Beatles, the Lumineers, and maybe a few Blink 182 songs that don't include bad language if Daddy gets his way (and some crappy pop music if Mommy gets hers). Regardless of if you are a boy or girl, your favorite color will be Giants blue and you won't even know that any other football team exists, especially that damn Dallas team. Oh, and you better get some teeth early because you will have to be dad's chief brisket taster early on. Mama is tired of red meat.

Little baby, your dad already swears that you won't know what chicken nuggets are. He has already vowed that he will tell you that only bad kids get to eat at McDonald's. Same with those racecar carts in the grocery store - he is going to tell you that those are used for punishment. I'm going to let him because I'm not a fan of either. What will you get from me? A fondness for naps and cupcakes, first and foremost. You will rarely meet a dessert you don't like, unless it's tres leches. Who likes soggy cake? Not us.

You will surely have pale complexion for someone with your Latin last name and spend your life explaining to people that you are a quarter Mexican, a quarter Puerto Rican, and half "white," whatever that means anymore. If you are a girl you will have long hair and if you are a boy, you will go to the same hair lady that your dad and grandpa have gone to for the past 20 years and probably have a haircut similar to theirs. Mom will instill in you a love of reading Harry Potter and Dad will want you to be a baseball player - mostly if you're a boy, though he wouldn't oppose a softball player if you're a girl. Hopefully you'll have your mom's ability to stay slightly cooler under pressure but your dad's quick wit and amazing memory.

Kid, you will have no choice but to love pop culture. We will watch Sesame Street, but only the segments with celebrities. You'll think that SportsCenter and HGTV were made for kids and go to sleep with articles from Entertainment Weekly dancing in your head. But we will teach you to think and talk about these things and be a constant source of entertainment for us. Mostly, we would hope that you are happy, healthy, and a fun addition to our family. Your four-legged brothers are already pretty awesome, so there are some pretty high standards waiting for you.


So, what would you say in a letter to your potential future kid?



  1. I have seen parents (in lines at stores with their kids, etc.) get mad about things that other parents allow ("I would never let my kid get away with that!)...I don't think it necessarily makes y'all rude or judgemental if you disapprove of a kid's behavior. Some * not all * do become pretty self-absorbed and don't stop to think of other people and/or other people's kids.

  2. Thanks for linking with us Lauren! Love the pics of you and Andrew! And if you figure out a way to birth a child potty trained, I would totally invest in your system! :)

  3. You have such a way with words. I haven't met you in person yet (tear) but I feel like I can hear you saying this! haha Is that weird?!
    I love the brisket (yum), tres leches (yuck)and Cowboys (yuck) comments. And pop culture yes!

    I would tell my future kid they better like traveling and planes 'cuz they're not stopping us from going places! ;)

  4. I love this. I am a parent and I although I am less judgy, I still can't stand most other kids.
    Yay for (the idea of) treating your (future) child as a person.
    FYI they have lots of Beatles onesies at Target. I bought several

  5. I try to avoid stores during prime time, mostly because of the screaming and obnoxious kids. Same with restaurants, we avoid those during prime time to avoid children also. It's not that I don't like kids (I love my nephew!) But so many parents just let their children run around crazy in stores, it's horrible!

    p.s. Loveee the baby pictures of you two!

  6. your kid will be a bad ass. can it play with my future kid?

  7. Hahaha I love this! If I was writing this I would probably tell FK that Mommy and Daddy will still want to go out without them once in a while and that they will either be a scientific genius or get mom's knack for examining documents and reading. And that we are secretly hoping for the first. Also if a girl, she will wear real packers jerseys and not those lame cheerleader outfits they make for babies because she will be a real fan from birth!

  8. This is phenomenal. I will tell future kid(s) that mommy and daddy go on adults-only vacation once a year, and that the week at grandma's is their vacation!

    We are judgey assholes at other peoples parenting, and I'm not sorry about it at all.

  9. Ok, this may be the best thing you've written yet! So stinking clever. I never could have thought of so many things! I especially love the part about having to live up to the coolness of the four-legged brothers. I think I might say the exact same thing!

  10. You are funny! I still judge little kids and parents and I have two, so no judgement! :)

  11. Ummm...I die! That was the cutest and funniest letter! I think that instilling a love for naps and cupcakes at an early age is an excellent decision and I also agree with the McDonald's bit! You are such a hoot :)

  12. having a kid now, i can honestly say that your behavior/feelings/thoughts/beliefs are what truly influences your children.

    my hubby and i are always kidding around, we speak with a hint of sarcasm (in a joking manner) and i can see that coming out of our daughter who is only 5. she loves to tease us and kid around. there are no gender-specific references in our house; i like a lot of things that are not "typical" of a woman and i also see this in our daughter; she'll wear a darth vader shirt with a tutu or she'll play with her lego ninjago and barbie doll together.

    we also speak to, and behave to, one another in a respectful tone/manner which is also evident in how our 5yo treats others. we are not the perfect parents but we work hard to shape kayla's behaviour and morals to our standards.

    this letter in itself is awesome! keep it around so that you can show your future child(ren) what you thought before they were born :)

    Vodka and Soda


I like comments and read them all but I'm not great about responding to them, so please don't be offended. I would much rather visit your blog instead!