So what's new with me is Doubleback BBQ. I know that it's actually what's new with Andrew; I'm just along for the ride. But it absolutely affects me - our house is its unofficial home, its wares are tested in my kitchen, and all of the time that a new business baby takes comes from time spent with my husband, or spent sleeping, or the time we used to spend doing anything besides eating and thinking about smoked meat. And I only feel okay about it.
I've never been good with dreams or goals. As a kid, I knew I wanted to get married and go to college. I've done that. I still wonder what I want to BE when I grow up, beyond simply "happy." So while I get dreams and hard work in theory, it's hard for me to understand all of the work that's now going into Doubleback. It's hard for me to grasp that even though he's beyond tired, staying up all night smoking a brisket is kind of fun for my husband. It's hard for me to give up weekends "to cook" since I know that Friday is spent prepping, Saturday is for serving, and on Sunday, we recover and try to cram a weekend's worth of activity into a few waking hours. And it's hard for me to comprehend that a willingness to clean a kitchen spattered with meat juices is now viewed as a sign of love and support when I do it with minimal grumbling. It's a hobby and a dream that might one day be a career but right now seems like a never-ending sink of dishes, a garage full of wood, and a to-do list that's never quite done.
I guess my thing is - and maybe you can help me out - how do I fit myself in the picture? How do you wholeheartedly support a dream that is not your own without resenting it? Resentment hasn't taken residence here yet - this is still new and exciting - but I worry about it. I think about the money we've spent, the vacation days used, and the sacrifices that could be in an attempt to run a successful barbecue endeavor (I feel like I should mention here that Andrew does have a business partner who is also married, and it's awesome to have someone who understands, though we really haven't elaborated on how we feel - yet). I remember how dry my hands get after doing dishes for what feels like days and how weekends used to be for antique malls and netflix bingeing and sometimes I just don't want to deal with meat, or packing the car full of supplies, or my event planning brain that refuses to shut off and constantly asks the guys if they're sure they have enough forks/foil/tablecloths, etc. But how do you shut down a dream?
The answer, for me, right now, is that you don't. You help your husband (mostly) when he asks you, but you draw the line and escape to Target when you need to. You learn to keep quiet (which is SO HARD) about business matters that don't concern you because, both literally and figuratively, it isn't your business. You plan "special days" for no reason where there is no BBQ talk and little BBQ texting to said business partner. You get your nails done because you deserve it. You understand that your weekends are subject to smoking meat, tasting BBQ, or prepping for anything in that realm for the near future. You give your best advice, encouragement, patience, and understanding. And you learn to be okay, at least for now, with answering a question like "what's new with you?" with an answer that isn't entirely your own because you have faith that this dream is worth it.