Tuesday, August 1, 2017

dear instagram storyteller

Dear Instagram Storyteller,

I realize that no one is making me watch or participate in Instagram stories. I know this. But I can't stop staring at my phone and watching a mini version of the reality show of everyone I follow at least once a day (let's be real, if it's someone I like, it's several times a day.)

But this isn't about those people. This is about the ones I don't like. I may like you on regular instagram, but I can't skip past your stories fast enough. Sometimes I just watch them to see if you are still doing that thing I don't like. Sometimes I catch myself watching them for that reason and step away from the phone to discourage such negativity in my life, but I normally end up finishing the story later. Just being honest. So let's talk about the things that make me feel this way.

First of all, sweet storyteller, we all know you are speaking to a camera. You do not need to start every story with "hey guys" or "y'all!" or "sooo..." or "happy <day of the week>." Intros are not necessary. Just do the thing. I seriously watched a HUGE blogger's story the other day and she started five stories in a row by saying "so" and I wondered how she got where she was.

I would also like to point out that next to no one needs to have 20 pieces to their story. Film it for Facebook, write a blog post about it, but please don't give me 20 snippets of your day. And if all 20 are one long soliloquy about how hard your life is? Girl, find you a friend and talk it through. There is no need for all of us to know all your business. I see more dashes than I can quickly count then I assume I have walked into Instagram Novels and I must leave you behind.

I don't have kids so maybe I shouldn't have an opinion on this next part, but when I hear moms say "What did you just say?" and a kid says something toward the phone, I get a little sad. Can't the kid just be cute and funny in the privacy of your home? Does everyone need to hear what they just did? And sorry, but it's likely only really cute and funny to those who know your kid personally. You can have a google album or something for that, or just be in a moment with the kid rather than making them perform for you and hundreds of people who watch them when they're procrastinating on making dinner or whatever.

Also, can we all agree to chill with the dumb animal face filters? Enough. You're a puppy! You can wear a crown! Haha, so funny! Take a pic like that, send it to your spouse, whatever, but you don't need to tell every story with a koala nose. What do you think that's adding? And don't get me started on the voice change filter. Do you know how awful you sound as a deer? DO YOU? It isn't cute, and we all sound the same like that, and I just wish it would stop.

While I'm ranting, I would like to highlight that I have never in the history of story watching run immediately to your instagram to check out your new post that you teased by hiding it from me in your story. I'm sure there's some class about being the most successful instagrammer ever telling you this is a good idea, but really, it makes me want to intentionally NOT like that post because I am a petty instagram follower. If I like you and follow you already, your stuff is already in my story.

Finally, I have to call both of us out here: concert videos are also highly unnecessary. I know. Concerts are fun and you want everyone to see how great your seats were. Been there, girl. I've posted them, too. And I'm going to a few concerts this month and I'll want to share, but can we agree that like, one video is enough? No one's tinny iPhone speakers are going to do what you're seeing in real life justice, so put down the phone and enjoy those tickets you spent your money on.

Lest you think I'm a total story scrooge, I do like some things: animals, food, snippets of daily life, 15-30 seconds of talk about something random, and shopping along with you. However, I do not like when I have to swipe up to shop (just tell me where you are or where you got it) nor do I really believe that so many people have asked you the same question that you linked to it for my convenience. I know how affiliate links work; let's just have some honesty in our stories, kay?

Whew! I am so glad we were able to get on the same page. If you do these things and I like you, then I still like you. If you see yourself in these things, I hope you laugh about it. If you hate people who use Instagram stories to showcase their cat or what they're eating (right here!), then I fully expect you to call me out in a letter of your own. It's all in good fun but really, had I shared this on Instagram stories, you would have skipped right over it anyway.

Living my best life, 15 seconds at a time,


  1. Girl preach! The second I see that someone's story has a million pieces to it I just click until it's gone.

  2. LOL i NEVER click on those stories and it annoys me that they're even there >:(

  3. haha I'm with Kathy ^ I never ever watch them!

  4. I'm SO HAPPY you wrote this.
    I cannot stand the "tell mommy what you just said again" thing. It makes me really sad too. The kid usually looks super uncomfortable and it bugs me.
    I don't get the animal faces and voice changers. I don't mind some of them, but I don't see the point either.
    Same on "teasing" posts too. When I scroll instagram I usually scroll my feed first, then go back to top and look at stories so I've already seen the post and it just feels kinda weird.
    Concert videos have ALWAYS BEEN UNNECESSARY on Facebook, Instagram OG, Snapchat... NO. You will never watch it again, I don't want that autoplay chaos, just stop. Only thing worse is multiple in a row. A boomerang or a pic, sure, share what you're up to. But stop assaulting us with your jumble of crowd cheers and the faint sound of maybe a guitar in the background.
    + one on the affiliate links bit too. Don't patronize me. You're trying to make money, not responding to your thousands of adoring fans. Be real about it, it's fine.
    All that said, when it's someone I'm friends with or really like, I will forgive 100% of this stuff because that's how I roll. #Doublestandards, oh well.

  5. These are allllll reasons why I don't do stories. Maybe I should?

  6. I have never done a story, I don't see why or how it would be different than anything I'd choose to share on IG regular.

    If someone is my friend, I might watch like five seconds, then I put my phone down because I am just really not a video person. I do take more videos now, but am likely to link to them in a blog post in case there are other video non-watchers like me out there.

  7. Haha this was so funny! I feel like I'm probably the last person on the planet that's not watching Instagram stories and I think that's just because I'm trying to hold out for Snapchat to stick around! Plus I feel like adding Instagram stories to the mix will just make my social media time way too intense! Also, I totally agree with you about not needing to hear a huge long story from somebody all the time.

  8. I have never done a story and watch them only by accident. They don't interest me right now. Not sure if they ever will but should I start watching them, I'm confident these same things will annoy me

  9. I recently started using stories and I still forget it's there. There are a TON of really popular Instagrammers (20k+ followers) that do 496737659693475698 stories in ONE day. WHY? Why is that really necessary? Is what you're saying REALLLLLLLY that important. There's a chick I've followed since she was small and she's constantly ranting on her stories. I had to unfollow. Ain't nobody got time for that.

    Anyways, yes I agree 100% with this post! Keep speaking the truth!

  10. OMIGOSH YESSSSSSSSSSS. My pet peeves are all on here: "Hey guys!" "Happy Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday!" - telling a long winded story in 63 short videos - the animal filters that change your voice (for the love of all things holy, please stop). I love IG Stories and some people are really great at it - but my god, these offenders need to just....not.

  11. A-freaking-men!!! I rarely ever watch IG stories because uggghhh! But on the occasions I do watch, yes to ALL of this. When I see 20 little dashes and you're essentially complaining about your first world life and how you need to pick out a counter top (granite or marble. This one or that one) I'm done with you.

  12. The animal filter voices are like nails on a chalkboard for me. Whyyyy do people think it's cute?! I have done a story maybe once or twice, but I am too embarrassed to talk out loud to Instagram while out and about and there's rarely anything interesting to talk about in my house so I'm a bit stumped as to what I'd actually post that would be interesting. Maybe pets are the answer I'm looking for here.

  13. oh my gosh, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. you hit all the nails on all the heads. the teasing one really annoys me. i follow some people i don't really care for or consider friends, so i skip their stories, sometimes i will let it play through and as soon as they do the annoying thing, i skip. but for my 'friends' i forgive most of the annoying things and skip it. but NO-ONE needs 20+ stories talking about something boring. if you can't say it in like 2 or 3 stories, don't say it.
    the people with the kids creep me out. yes, let your kid be cute at home, but also, please don't show me your naked kid or your kid in the bath/on the toilet. totally inappropriate.

  14. What are these dashes you speak of that tell me how long a story is going to be? I never noticed this. Aaaahhh social media. Love it or hate it, it's basically part of life now and that's why I think some people do stories 24/7. It's like part of them. When you think about it 20 snaps is only 3 minutes, but a long 3 minutes if you aren't interested! The talking with dumb filters does bug me especially if I want to hear what you have to say. The thing that bugs me most is this one person who only posts boomerangs. I'm not even sure why it bugs me so much!!

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