Thursday, April 4, 2019

what's new?

What's new with me is that I miss the connection of internet friends.

Also, recently, the idea of vulnerability keeps creeping up - in my work life, from Brene Brown on instagram, and from my therapist, which is what made me really listen.

(Lauren, you have a therapist? Yup - vulnerability in sharing, y'all).

I feel like those two are tied together - my fear of being vulnerable on the internet can make me, well, somewhat uninteresting. If I am not sharing my whole self, then what is left to read?

Anyway, like many others, I can wax poetic about the good days of blogging circa 2013 - no shade, I like to know I'm not alone - and I can also try to do something about it. So here I am, linking up with Kristen, and hoping some people who are just regular women with no intention of being an #influencer come around and read paragraphs and don't mind a lack of pictures.

So - what's new with me since I actually wrote a blog post with some feelings?

I'm working on being nicer to me. Did you see that episode of Queer Eye in season three where they recorded all the bad things the guy said about himself and then Karamo made him listen to it? That was SO resonant with me. I may not say them aloud, but how many times a day do I judge myself, or think that others will? How much negativity am I spreading internally? Whoa.

So that led me to writing down daily gratitude. Yes, I have scoffed at it before, so if that is you, I totally get it. But, it gives me a reason to visit my bullet journal daily and it can be as simple as how fantastic the perfectly ripe pineapple I just ate was. All it takes is one little thing.

On the life front, I am working to straddle the line between Instagram makes me want to buy everything and not being a mindless consumer. For example, if you listen to my Instagram stories, you know I have recently discovered this store called Dirt Cheap which has Target stuff at HUGE discounts. I will go in there and be like "hmmm, well, this vase is cute and SO CHEAP" and have it in my cart, but then think... why? Why do I need another vase? Is it sparking joy? Usually no - I usually get my joy in "things" from quirky knickknacks found in antique malls - and I am able to put it back. I mean yes, the thing is cheaper than my average Starbucks, but do I need MORE STUFF? Mostly, the answer is no. However, after living in our house four years, I am finally working to make some of our spaces more home-y and adult - a rug under our bed, finally hanging some art in the bathroom, and buying a concert poster with no idea where to hang it mostly because I was in love with it. (It's an Avett Brothers poster with an astronaut riding an armadillo and it was perfectly Houston. I had to.) I guess my personal line is that if it will make me feel a way - comforted, pull up a memory, etc - then I am more than willing to consume.

(But I also saw a tweet of a cartoon with the Marie Kondo landfills where the trash was up to the sky so I really am trying to be mindful of my footprint as a human.)
(The responses not to blame Marie for this are spot-on - WE are the ones to blame for having SO MUCH stuff. It isn't her fault for encouraging people to get rid of it. She didn't buy it for us)

And finally, vulnerability. I mentioned that before. I wrote the aforementioned paragraph and thought about how I would love to connect with some new, regular women who blog or read blogs, and how maybe they love to consume things and it brings them joy, and I wanted to rewrite everything I said. I don't want to hurt feelings. But I have to own what I think, try to articulate it, and accept when I'm wrong, or at least honor a difference of opinion. I have secretly wanted to be perfect in so many ways while trying to tell myself I didn't care what other people think for SO LONG, and it's exhausting. So, to put it all out there, and in the words of John Mayer, "just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny... looks like the joke's on me, so call me Captain Backfire." Not being my full self wasn't me enough, so it's a thing I'm looking to change. Trying to be more moderate and not piss people off worked in a way but was a disservice to me. I like to read real thoughts and feelings and see what everyone else is going through, but all I can control is what I put out there, and I am going to work to make that much more honest and vulnerable. 

SO anyway, if you are new here and made it through that, you might be my kind of people. I am much more likely to post on Instagram than keep blogging going, but if you like blogs, I already have half a post drafted which is more than I blogged all of last month. Cheers to working on you, reading about real people, and killing time on the internet.

8 comments:

  1. Come sit next to me on the less moderate, if people get pissed, they get pissed couch. Setting yourself on fire to keep others warm is prohibited.

    Nice to see you in this space! Real people are for me people.

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  2. Our building is currently being renovated and since we have to clear everything out of the bathroom and kitchen I'm trying to get rid of stuff in the process. One nice thing about Switzerland is people will put things outside in a box labelled "Free" and anyone can take it - I have taken books from such boxes before. I did that and most of the things went. It's nice that other people are now using them instead of them being taken to landfill (or in the case of Basel, waste is actually burnt!).

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  3. I drove by a Dirt Cheap the other day & REAllY wanted to go in. I had to tell myself that I'm moving in a couple of months & more stuff means more packing.

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  4. Amen to 2013 blogging. The good old days.
    I find it's helpful to move every once in awhile and then you're forced to take stock of the unnecessary belongings lol. To be honest, my strategy is: Where will I put it? How will I use it?. That's what I ask myself when I want to buy something. With a baby, it's reallllllly tough and I often can't decide on things because, technically, you could buy anything and everything and they'll never know/care/miss it. Scott usually asks "Will it help him?" and so now that's what I ask myself when I'm looking at baby stuff.
    Also, I totally have a therapist. It's necessary right now.

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  5. oh i haven't seen that queer eye episode but clearly i need to because i feel like it would really hit me as well. i've gotten better about how i treat myself, but it's easy to slide back into old habits. i am so bad about daily gratitude, i keep meaning to do it and i've only ever heard good things from people who do it, but lazy. maybe next month i'll make it a goal. so true about marie kondo, she didn't buy it for us. every time i get rid of a bunch of stuff i think how did i accumulate so much? clearly i'm not paying attention to what i'm bringing into my house and that is so frustrating. i don't judge or care about all the bloggers out there wanting to make money or be influencers, but i don't have the mental energy for them anymore. i want to be friends with real people, i want to know about their lives and thoughts. sure, they can tell me they bought something or got something for free, but that's not what i'm here for. so yay real people.

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    1. OMG THIS! Exactly. i don't judge or care about all the bloggers out there wanting to make money or be influencers, but i don't have the mental energy for them anymore. i want to be friends with real people, i want to know about their lives and thoughts. sure, they can tell me they bought something or got something for free, but that's not what i'm here for."

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  6. I hear that people who watch Queer Eye end up in tears. Definitely my kind of show. I hate stuff so much lately. I am insanely particular about anything I bring into my home these days and when I buy clothing I search for at least one thing to get rid of. I seriously cannot relate to the consumerism that seems to drive blogging and social media these days. I don't have the money or the space for all that shopping.

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  7. Hi! New and late to the comments as always. Love this. I love reading blogs. I love real people. Pictures, eh. I can take or leave them. I'll keep coming back and keep reading as long as you care to share. Also? I just close the tab if I'm annoyed. Why do people comment on blogs only to say how ticked off they are at what the person wrote? Dude, you're choosing to spend your time reading it. Guess what? You can turn away, too, without attacking the one who was willing to share. Sheesh. (Opinions, I have them...)

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I like comments and read them all but I'm not great about responding to them, so please don't be offended. I would much rather visit your blog instead!